No More Onion Bags

The Real Dream Team

// December 8th, 2009 // Uncategorized

As the World Cup approaches – although it is still over six months away, for goodness sake – excitement will build here in the US about our chances of doing well.  Much of this is due to the fact that the US got an EASY (England, Algeria, Slovenia, plus us Yanks – thanks to john@york for that one) group for the tournament’s initial stage. 

(Side note: I wish it were possible to find out how many Americans will learn anything about Slovenia or Algeria.  I mean, really, what percentage of Americans know that there is a country called Slovenia?  It’s got to be under 20 percent.  And if just a few people end up seeing the truly incredible film about the Algerian resistance, The Battle of Algiers, soccer will have again played an important role in making the world a little smaller.  Trust me about this movie – it’s more action-packed, suspenseful, and moving than anything you’ve seen in years.  AND, Ennio Morricone did the score.)

Where was I?  Oh, right, excitement will begin to swell.  ESPN and ABC will flood the airwaves with commercials and promos for the World Cup, and people will start to think that the US has a chance of doing well.  A few new-to-the-party no-nothings, god bless them, may even think the US has a chance of winning.  Of course, we don’t.  Pretty much every other country in the World Cup has its best athletes playing soccer from right out of the womb.  Our best athletes are in American football and basketball, with a few others in baseball.  But what if they all went into soccer?  We have a country of 280 million and an incredible sports-industrial complex.  As I fell asleep last night, I started to think about a new type of USA Dream Team, one that had all of our best professional athletes playing the sport of kings.   I mean, really: we would absolutely crush the competition.  Here’s a possible squad list:

Goalkeeper – the attributes we are looking for are height, reflexes, quickness, and bravery.

Starter = Dwight Howard .  People will stop talking about how paradoxically agile Gigi Buffon and Edwin Van der Saar are when we stick Superman between the posts.  How about a seven-footer with enormous hands, freakish leaping ability, and the world’s most sculpted shoulders?  Nice.  Runner-up: Michael Phelps.

Right-back – the attributes we are looking for are speed, defensive prowess combined with a willingness to come forward and attack.

Starter = Torii Hunter.  The centerfielder for the LA Angels will be perfect.  He makes his name as a glamorous defensive player who glides across the field, but isn’t afraid to crash into things.  Plus he hits in the middle of the order and is an offensive force.

Center-back #1: Beckenbauer “Kaiser” role – for this crucial position, the attributes we are looking for are an odd combination of size, strength, toughness, speed, and an uncanny ability to see the entire pitch and serve as Field Marshall.   You want a player who can intimidate opponents with his size, but have the grace to come forward and start the attack.

Starter = LeBron James.  I knew this would be a fun exercise.  I mean, jeez, people go nuts when they see a big center back like Sol Campbell take a few dribbles up the field – imagine when Bron-bron, all 6’ 9” and 250 pounds of him, silkily and smoothly races up the field spraying the long passes that you did not know were possible?  And imagine The King coming into the opponents’ box on a corner kick?  I pity the poor unlucky bastard that would have to cover him.

Center-back #2: Enforcer role – here you just want a pure intimidator who can knock the stuffing out of a big opposing forward in a healthy, legal shoulder-to-shoulder challenge.

Starter = Ray Lewis.  Oh my god.  What is Lewis, like 6’ 4”, 260, with the speed and aggression of a lion?  People say John Terry and Nemanja Vidic are imposing to play against.  Ray Lewis will send opponents into early retirement.  You know what Ray Lewis would call Jermain Defoe?  Lunch.

Left-back – we are looking for a southpaw who can combine defensive grace and agility with an ability to come forward and launch longballs in from the left.

Starter = Chase Utley.  The lefty second-basemen for the Phillies combines both defense and offense.  And his slick-backed hairdo already makes him look like an Eastern European soccer star of the Dimitar Berbatov variety.  This is getting too easy!

Defensive midfielder: destroyer role – here we want a guy who is going to put himself in the pocket of the other team’s best player and completely neutralize him.  He’s got to be very strong but able to run all game.

Starter = Ron Artest.  The super-religious Kaka will have trouble NOT taking the Lord’s name in vain after we stick Artest on him for 90 minutes.  I’m starting to feel bad for Kaka.  Artest also fills the role of resident crazy person on the team – always good to have onne of those so the media has something to talk about.

Left-winger – we are looking for a lefty with speed and the skills to either go on a long run with the ball, or send in a nice cross.  Given the soccer commentator’s favorite cliché about players at this position (“he has a cultured left foot”), we will try to accomodate the “cultured” attribute by finding someone who has gone to a museum at least once in his life.

 Starter = Grant Hill.  He’s a lefty and I think he’s the only American athlete who has been to a museum, or at least thought about going to a museum once.  Maybe.

Right-winger – desired attributes are an ability to run at great speed and pull off a series of dizzying, dazzling moves before either racing into the box or swinging in a venomous pass.

Starter = Allen Iverson.  This is too easy!  The Answer is pound for pound the greatest athlete I have ever seen, and he is a born winger.  You think Aaron Lennon and Sean Wright Phillips are tricky and fast?  I can’t wait for the world to see Iverson unveil the killer crossover with his feet.  Remember, he’s the guy who broke Michael Jordan in their first ever one-on-one.  I would die to see him make a run at Ashley fricking Cole.

Attacking central midfielder: number 10 role – this is the guy around who the US attack with be based.  We want a brilliant body and a brilliant mind – a leader by word and example.  Someone with a hard shot and a soft touch.

Starter = Dwayne Wade.  No one really rivals Flash in terms of leadership ability.  And those countless drives to the hoop against all odds are not un-Maradona-esque.  Runners-up: Chris Paul and Steve Nash, if he weren’t Canadian.  Or Derek Jeter about seven years ago.

Striker #1: Little guy – here we want a forward with an uncanny ability to get the ball in the tightest of spaces and somehow break free and find the net.  And while he’s got to be incredibly fast and freakishly coordinated, he’s got to be strong enough to fend off opposing center backs.

Starter = Michael Vick.  Okay, I know he probably got a bit rusty after serving time, but he can finish paying his debt to society by helping us win the World Cup.  Other than soccer’s Ronaldo (the original, fat one) with Barcelona and Inter in 1996-1998, I have never seen anyone who creates more excitement with his first few steps than when Vick decides to run with the ball.  When he decides to attack, everyone watching leans forward.  And if you think Leo Messi can turn on a dime, you’ll love Mike Vick. 

Striker #2: Target man – desired attributes are height and jumping ability, combined with speed and intense bravery to put himself in the middle of big centerbacks’ bodies and an opposing goalkeeper’s fists.  You also really want a player with a strong streak of overconfidence, who truly believes that he can score any time he gets near the ball.  It’s the one position where a little selfishness is a good thing.

Starter = Terrell Owens.

Owens is like 6′ 6″, incredibly fast, and one of the strongest people on earth.  He also has more self-confidence than is probably healthy, and will never blow a chance to score because the moment is too big for him.  Basically, he’s like Fernando Torres, but even bigger, faster, and more coordinated.  And his goal celebrations would be INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is there any chance that this real USA Dream Team, had they grown up playing soccer, wouldn’t win every tournament ever?  Alas, this group of guys will only ever play on my own personal field of dreams.

Posted by Lazar