No More Onion Bags

US Soccer – Still an Angry Teenager

// July 29th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Lazar made a very compelling case that LA Galaxy fans booing King David Beckham signified that US soccer had grown up to become a man. While his argument had merit, I think last Sundays 5-0 defeat to arch rivals Mexico in the Gold Cup final showed that maybe it was merely an early pubescent growth spurt and while US soccer may now have the body of a man, it still plays with transformers. US Soccer may look 6′ tall, but if it doesn’t get its own way, it slams it’s bedroom door, lies face down on the blankets and turns on Rage Against the Machine’s ‘Killing in the Name’ really really loudly.

I’m not writing this because of what happened on the pitch, but rather the reaction to it. There was none. If I did not bother to look up the score I wouldn’t haven’t know what had happened and this is grossly immature. Every Tom, Dick and Harry knew about Team America’s confederations cup exploits and if they had actually managed to hang on to victory over Brazil in the final, the players would have spent all week shuttling between David Letterman, Good Morning America, in between being hailed as champions of the world by clueless white middle aged racists on the main News Networks (I’m looking at you Lou Dobbs). Think for one minute what would have happened in Italy if they had lost 5-0 in the final of a tournament to Germany? The second the full time whistle was blown, half the country would start loading up with fruit and making their way to the airport. Could you imagine the front page of any newspaper in England if they lost 5-0 in a final to Scotland?

My point is that a real grown up soccer nation would take defeats just as seriously as victories because they really care. Publicizing a win and ignoring a loss is the sign that there’s still a whole lot of growing up to do.

posted by Cass

Dog Days

// July 28th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

I wonder what shirt number he will choose…

These are the dog days of the soccer year.  For no real reason, I just  went to my team’s (Barcelona) local sports paper website.  The headline read “Ibrahimovic Has Now Met His Teammates!”  Oy veh — this is what constitutes news at this time of year?  What’s worse, is that I actually clicked the link.  What’s even worse than that, is that I clicked on the video embedded in the article, where I got to see Zlatan actually interact with other players!  (He chatted with ex-Inter teammate Maxwell, shook hands with Abidal, and pretended to recognize one of Barca’s youth players that neither he nor I have ever seen before.  One new thing I know about Zlatan: he’s a bad actor.  That was one of the most pathetic attempts to pretend to recognize someone that I’ve ever seen.  Check it out for yourself.)

Sadly, this is pretty much as good as it gets from late July to mid-/late-August, depending on when your season of interest starts (England is mid-August, Spain doesn’t start until September).  The past season and the early summer tournaments are nothing but a memory.  All the big transfers are done (no, Darren Bent to Sunderland is not a big transfer).   The previews and excitement won’t really start to build for a couple of weeks, at least.

We are left to read about new players choosing their shirt numbers (yawn), old players who almost left their teams making suspiciously late pledges of loyalty (I’m talking to you, John Terry), and Steven Gerrard being found not guilty of affray, even though his co-defendants all pled guilty and the videotape shows Gerrard landing three uppercuts to the face of a man who was reeling backwards after already being elbowed in the face by Gerrard’s friend and who didn’t hit anyone during the whole melee (un-be-effing-lievable).

We apologize for not having a ton of content up during this time of the year.  If there is something you want to talk aout, let us know.  Otherwise, good luck making it through these dog day afternoons.

Posted by Lazar

The Day American Soccer Fandom Became a Man (in the gender-neutral sense of the word)

// July 21st, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

It is possible that some day, I will have a child of my own.  I will change its diapers.  I will sing it songs (“Man in the Mirror”, “You Are the Sunshine of My Life”).  I will teach my child about culture (“You see that man who moves with feline grace?  That’s Avon Barksdale, the kingpin.  He runs all the towers in West Baltimore.”)  Then, all of sudden, I will realize that my child has grown up.  No more will I need to provide simple counsel (“Use your left foot”).  No more will I have to teach right and wrong (“Messi vs. Cristiano?  It’s not close.”)  It will be a beautiful moment. 

      A fat man in LA was rude and somewhere in Brooklyn, a tall skinny man cried tears of joy

I experienced something similar to those feelings when I read about how LA Galaxy fans — in particular, the group known as the “LA Riot Squad” — badgered David Beckham throughout the Galaxy-AC Milan friendly the other day.  They held up signs that read “Go Home Fraud” (alas, I would have loved a comma in there) and “Is Evil Something U Are Or Something U Do?” (effing brilliant, although I’ll admit I’m not a big fan of the “U” for “You” device).  It was the moment that US soccer fans stood up for themselves, and with the world watching, decided they were about much more than stupid Becks and the corporations who are trying to make money off them by selling Becks as the answer to every US-soccer lover’s dreams.  When I first read the story, my heart overflowed with pride.  These fellas were not going to sit back and take it.  And god bless them.

Makes me prouder than my future child’s stupid finger paintings ever will

A lot of people wonder when soccer will really come of age in the US.  Well, I think this past Sunday was the day.  And I am so proud… jeez, when did my office get so dusty?.. I’m gonna need to pick up some Benadryl… just leave me alone for a second… I’ll be fine…

Posted by Lazar

Beckham Beckham Beckham Beckham Beckham Beckham Beckham Beckham BECKHAM

// July 16th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

I promised my Anger Management consultant that I wouldn’t blog about David Beckham anymore but I guess the therapy isn’t working so well. According to an email I received from FSC “David Beckham and LA Galaxy are taking on NY [Energy Drink]” tonight. My initial thought was that it seemed rather unfair on the [Energy Drink] that they had to compete against 2 entities (LA Galaxy AND David Beckham).  Now that Beckham and Donovan seem to have made up after one of the most ironical arguments I’ve ever heard, it means all we have to look forward to is brainless boring publicity unlike the rather entertaining verbal sparring that just occurred. When I use the term ‘verbal sparring’ I mean it in the sense that each player was trying to out do the other by being as hypocritically ironic as possible. 

I’m not going to stop biting your beautiful head until you promise to pay for the meal next time we go to pizza hut.

 In case you missed the recent spat, here’s the executive summary:

Landon Donovan publicly questioned Beckhams committment, called him stingy for not paying for a team meal, said he was a bad captain and unprofessional. While I agree with all the comments Donovan made, it is pretty unprofessional to publicly call your team mate unprofessional. Beckham was not to be undone on the hypocrisy stakes and rather than talking to Donovan’s face, he used the press to speak out and say its “unprofessional to speak out about a team-mate especially in the press and not to your face,”  Read all Donovans incredibly revealing comments in the SI published excerpt from the recently release ‘The Beckham Experiment’ here)

After returning to LA Galaxy after his 6 month spell in Milan where he wasn’t at Galaxy, the team that pays him more than any other player in the league, Beckham said that his committment shouldn’t have been questioned because nobody has questioned his committment before. It’s kind of a bit like returning home to see an intruder walking out through your front door with your video player under his arm and say “I’m not stealing your video, nobody’s every accused me of stealing your video before”.

In yet one more statement that is sure to annoy Donovan even more, Beckham again used footballer logic to say “I’m not going to talk about what was said, that was between me, Landon and the manager (Bruce Arena).” quickly following it with the fact that Donovan had apologised for everything and nearly going as far as to say that Donovan had lain down in a little ball, whimpering like a girl, licking Beckhams foot and begging him for forgiveness. 

Although the feud will probably not rear its head in public again, I think it will be beneficial for the Galaxy to have two very capable footballers trying to do everything to upstage each other. After Donovan’s goal tonight against NY Energy Drink, he’s definitely one-up. But seriously, is there one single person who isn’t fed up with the Beckham circus and would be delighted if he would just do one?

posted by Cass

Sir Alex Ferguson is a Genius (pt. 273)

// July 15th, 2009 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized

A beautiful mind

Alex Ferguson is a genius.  Things were starting to look bad after he sold Cristiano R. and made Carlos Tevez hate him enough to leave.  But here’s where the genius part comes in.  He goes and signs global icon Michael Owen.  What a brilliant move to get a great player on the cheap.  Now it appears Ferguson will be giving Owen the famous Number 7 shirt, which pretty much assures us that Little Mickey will have an amazing year. 

BUT FURTHERMORE, this incredible signing has so shaken his crosstown rivals Manchester City that they have made the clearly-desperate signings of over-the-hill players such as Carlos Tevez (done), Emmanuel Adebayor (almost done), and John Terry (looking suprisingly more likely by the day).  So not only will Michael Owen be reaping incredible benefits for Manchester United, but he has caused Manchester City to make some pathetic signings of all-name, no-game players to compensate.

Alex Ferguson is a genius.

Posted by Lazar

“I’ve Always Wanted to Meet Mickey”

// July 12th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

One of the best things about Cristiano R.’s transfer to Real Madrid is that the two players most discussed as The Best in the World will be in the same league, not only facing each other at leat twice a season, but going against the same teams all year long, giving us much more fertile ground for comparison of the two.  I make no bones about being in the Leo Messi camp, but I do appreciate what Cristiano R. can do on a soccer field.  What’s also terrific about these two is that they are both very young (Messi is 22, Cristiano is 24) and appear very committed to being as good as they can be — they are apparently hard workers in practice,  andkeep themself in great shape.  Neither seem in too much danger of going the Ronaldinho/Romario/Maradona route of swift decline. which is good news for soccer fans everywhere.

That said, the similarities between the two kind of end there.  Let’s examine how each of them has spent their offseason this summer.  Both came here to the US, although they engaged in slightly different activities.  Let’s review what Cristiano R. got up to:

Right, now I remember.  And what did Leo Messi do on his trip to our land of beautiful ladies?  If Paris was already taken, perhaps Carmen Miranda or Pamela Anderson?  Maybe somewhat a touch more wholesome, a la Mandy Moore, perhaps?  Hmmn, let’s see…

That’s right, Leo Messi only had eyes for Mickey (and the mouse clearly has something for Leo, as well, no?).  The Spanish soccer newspapers are known for titling most of their articles with a  quote by a player — the body of the article goes into depth about the quote.  Yesterday’s article in Sport had the most Leo Messi of titles, “I’ve always wanted to meet Mickey.”  Yes, this was clearly a set up between the corporate powers that are ESPN and Adidas, but can you look at the dumb grin on Messi’s face below and not think that is looks oddly similar to Cristiano R.’s above?

He’s in heavennnnnn….

Posted by Lazar

Micah Richards has Swine Flu!

// July 11th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Remember that bit in Friends when Joey is dressed like an Elf and Chandler exclaims: “too many jokes, must mock Joey” ? (note to editor: I know I’m only meant to quote Seinfeld or The Wire, but the first couple seasons of Friends weren’t THAT bad, were they?). That was how I felt when I read that Micah Richards has caught swine flu in Ayia Napia.

Ayia Napa – a more trashy Ibiza

I’ll leave it up to you to make up your own jokes about whether he caught it from one of the drunken girls he met at the clubbing hotspot, or about the similarities in terms of positional sense between Richards and a swine. The most worrying aspect from my point of view was that Richards was quoted as saying that at first he just thought it was “alcohol poisoning”. Good man Richards, considering the season you’ve just had, I’m glad you’re doing your best over the pre-season to come back in as best shape as possible. Maybe you should give Stephen Ireland a call?

Man City Qualify for the Champions League and Micah Richards celebrates by taking flight over Manchester

posted by Cass

Time for Ireland to Finally Suffer Like the Rest of Us?

// July 9th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Could you imagine how you would feel if you were really into music your whole life, but upon visiting China, found out that that the incredibly lame high school band made up of the three most untalented losers in your whole class were somehow the biggest thing in the Chinese music scene? On billboards, on TV, on the radio, everyday you were bombarded with this incredible crapness. How could these three guys (let’s call them Kevin, Nick & Joe) be enjoying such incredible sucess? It just doesn’t make any sense.

This was pretty much how I felt the first time I arrived over from Ireland and tuned into DisneySports to watch the World Cup. Tommy Smyth with a why, why, why? After wondering how such an annoying and talentless sack of manure could be even gainfully employed, never mind a near household name, I wondered what folks back at home would make of him (I’m pretty sure I know the answer to this one)

Men of Ireland beware; this man is coming after your wives and daughters

Well, there’s a chance we could find out as ESPN have just officially announced that they have bought the rights to broadcast EPL matches in Ireland. One or two folks who have heard of Tommy Smyth have begun to get nervous judging by a recent request for information from The Irish Examiners’ Adrian Russell. You can read his article here, complete with quotes from your favorite No-More-Onion-Bagging-Bloggers.

posted by Cass

Everyone Thinks that they are the Exception

// July 7th, 2009 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

We’ve seen this story before.  An American has a good season, or a good tournament, gets hyped up, and then sign for a top European team.  And then he doesn’t play for a a year or two, loses confidence, and has to fight to get it back, thus making the USMNT worse in the process as he deals with his issues.  See any of these files:

- Donovan, Landon, Vol. 1 (Bayer Leverkusen)

- Adu, Freddy Vol. 1 (Benfica)

- Altidore, Jozy (Villareal)

- Donovan, Landon Vol. 2 (Bayern Munich)

- Adu, Freddy Vol. 2 (Monaco)

Hope he likes keeping his tracksuit on

So, now Oguchi Onyewu has signed for AC Milan on a free transfer, after a good season at Standard Liege and a strong Confederations Cup, where he proved he was taller than anyone on Spain and Brazil.  Great.  Now he gets to warm the bench with Ronaldinho.  Won’t that be wonderful.  Is there really any chance he will get steady burn?  I mean, let’s remember that head coach Leonardo does not like Americans (that was a traumatic moment for me, as Tab Ramos, Uruguayan-born star of the USMNT was my favorite player at the time).

Wouldn’t he be better off at a place like Everton?  Or if he has to go to Italy, how about Genoa, or even Florence?  Sigh.  Am I wrong here?

Posted by Lazar

Help Wanted: VP for Common Sense for a Large, Successful Soccer Team in Northwest England

// July 4th, 2009 // 10 Comments » // Uncategorized

I’ve read several articles about Michael Owen signing for Manchester United and I still don’t get it.  What exactly am I missing?  You lose Cristiano R. and Carlos Tevez, and you sign a 29-but-seems-36 year-old Michael Owen?  Clearly, Manchester United has an opening for the position of VP of Common Sense, as this deal makes even less sense than Javier “I stunk for Barcelona, Sevilla, and Monaco but at least I didn’t have 150,000 miles on my odometer” Saviola signing for Real Madrid two years ago (where he then scored five goals in two years).

This happened 11 years ago — and it’s not going to happen again

I mean, when Hull and Stoke are being talked about as the two most likely places for Owen to land, Manchester United fans cannot be excited to see this.  Especially after Karim “Everyone says he’s amazing but no one I know has seem him have more than one good game” Benzema signed for what seems like a bargain 30m price, just days prior.  And don’t United have like 100m to throw around after losing Cristiano R.?  This deal reeks of a let’s-sign-a-big-name-for-cheap-and-keep the-money signing.  Don’t fall for it, United fans!

Even Michael Owen was surprised, and remarked “I never had it in my wildest dreams.”  (And let me tell you, Michael Owen has some wild dreams.)  A great quote, which goes down in the pantheon of great signing quotes.  (My favorite is still from Thomas Gravesen, when he signed for Madrid.  On the dais, the Madrid president, in response to a reporter’s question about this non-galactic signing, justified it by saying “Gravesen was being pursued by several of the top teams in Italy and Spain.”  Gravesen, who didn’t speak Spanish and clearly did not not have that comment translated for him, then responded to the same question through his translator with “Madrid was the only team that was interested in me.”  Note to translators: translate everything.)

What’s most ridiculous about the whole thing is how the British press is trying to convince itself that this is another masterstroke from Sir Alex.  Even The Guardian, a paper that isn’t usually afraid to speak truth to power, has one or two articles about what a good signing this is.  The “analysis” in most of these pieces focuses on how United has been very flashy over the past year or two, but have lacked a real poacher whose sole raison d’etre is to put the ball in the back of the net.  Really?  Is a deteriorating Owen somehow going to be more efficient at tap-ins than Carlos Tevez or Dimitar Berbatov?  What about Federico Macheda?  Is he too young to smash in a rebound?  When I watched the Champions League final, in which United couldn’t get the ball out of its own half, much less anywhere near the Barca goal after the first ten minutes, the thought “what they really need is a good old-fashioned poacher” didn’t come to me once.  I swear.

Posted by Lazar