No More Onion Bags

What to Watch

// April 30th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Saturday

Middlesbrough v Manchester United, 7:45am, Setanta – Of course, United will win this easy.  But juuuuuust in case, I will flip on the television at about 9:30am.  In the seconds between when I press the power button on my remote and my boob tube flickers to life, I will close my eyes and say a small prayer to myself, in the hopes of seeing small graphic reading ” 2 MID – 0 MAN, 44:51 (2nd)” when I open said eyes.  A boy can dream, can’t he?

Chelsea v Fulham, 10am, Setanta – I sent Clint Dempsey a text this morning that read: “Deuce, it’s LT.  Make Chelsea pay 4 parking the bus on Tuesday and denying us a fun game by ripping them a new one this Sat. Tx.  Lmao.  But not really lmao, because I’m serious.”

Real Madrid v Barcelona, 2pm, GolTV -  They don’t get any bigger than this one.  The biggest game in the world with the league almost on the line.    If there is justice in the world, then Barcelona, who have dazzled us week after week, will win or tie, and come away as champions.  But as Mexico and the United States have shown us, justice doesn’t always show its face.  If you’re not watching this game, well.., shame on you.  Ray Hudson will be in full effect for this one: beware.  Make sure no sharp objects are near you during the game.  They could end up in a) your TV screen, or b) your wrist.

Villareal v Sevilla, 4pm GolTV -  Villareal is one point out of the Champions League positions, and only two out of third, so they will be going for it at home.  Probably will be a better game than Barca-Madrid, and likely free of the virus that goes by the name of “Ray Hudson”, who will be catatonic by the end of the clasico.

Posted by Lazar

Semi, Semi, Semi-tiiiime. Semi-time.

// April 27th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

Alright, let’s do this.  The Champions League semifinals first legs are tomorrow and Wednesday, as we enter the final five games of the Tommy Smyth Era (at least for the CL).  Here is some uninformed, unofficial analysis, from someone who played mediocrely in a pickup game this weekend (making me 1600 times more qualified than Tommy Smyth).

Barcelona v Chelsea – Ding!  Round Five feels like Round One without Mourinho there.  It won’t be the same without the Nou Camp fans chanting “Translator! Translator!”  Guus has come to his senses, and Jose ”I Can’t Believe He’s as Underwhelming as He Is Given His Skills and Athleticism” Bosingwa is moving over to left back to cover Leo Messi, which is the right move.  Sadly, the first game will be very tight, as Barça will do everything possible not to give up a goal at home, and Chelsea will simply be trying to make it out of Barcelona alive.   Likely to be incorrect first-leg predictions – Scoreline: 1-0 Barcelona.   Amount of times that Tommy Smyth calls John Terry to “a rock at the back”: 4.  Amount of times that Derek Rae calls Leo Messi a “tricky little Argentine”: 7.

Manchester United v Arsenal – The saddest thing about this set of games is that Andre Arshavin not feature in either (he’s cup-tied after playing for Zenit).  Yes, his four goals against Liverpool were great (particularly this one), but he  also gave us this glorious little treat against Blackburn this past weekend.  (Mamma mia.)  But Cesc and Theo look to be back to their best, so maybe, just maybe, Arsenal will put up a good fight.  The ManU-Tottenham game showed that while United have no shortage of self-belief and can still impose their will on any game, Rio and Vidic are definitely somewhat off their games.  Likely to be incorrect first leg prediction – Scoreline: 2-1 ManU.  Amount of times Cristiano R. is a called a “magician”: 6.  Amount of times that Ferguson and Wenger are shown in meaningless split-screen camera shots: 137.

Get used to this image on your TV — you’ll see it about 137 times.

Your thoughts?

Posted by Lazar

The Pro-Tommy Smyth Backlash

// April 26th, 2009 // 10 Comments » // Uncategorized

If you’ve been listening very very carefully, maybe with one of these

you may have heard a really faint high pitched wimper. Fear not, it was not a newly born kitten, eyes still to open seeking out the comfort of Mommy cat, but it was the Pro-Tommy Smyth Backlash. When the Guardian published their ‘Is this the end for Tommy Smyth, probably the most hated commentator in history‘ article last week, you remember, the one that quoted this site extensively, we received quite a lot of attention. By and large the response was fully supportive and positive, but much like the kid in school who reminds the teacher that they forgot to give homework, there’s always someone who doesn’t get it.

Our first anti-anti-Tommy-Smyth response we experienced came in the form of an email with a subject line of ‘Tommy Smyth is Brilliant’ but no text in the body. We assume the author was laughing so much at his irony that he wasn’t able to complete the rest of the mail. We then got word that somebody had setup a ‘Save Tommy Smyth’ facebook group. I just checked it today and it has a total of 4 members! It’s actually worth searching for the group and reading the totally bizarre description. I guess it is good that mental hospitals now provide internet access to patients, but it does make for some very strange reading.

But, there was one response even crazier than the facebook group, and that was a totally insane posting by some very very angry Irish-American. Among all sorts of contradictory accusations from the foaming-at-the-mouth racist were the contradictory statements that a) I was invented by the author of the article and did not exist, b) I did exist but wasn’t Irish, c) I was ‘self-hating’ Irish. Anyway, there’s a nice ding dong back and forth between the Guardian’s Steven Wells (author of the original piece) and the crazy Irish American, before both myself and Barry Glendenning jump in.

This crazyness then piqued the interest of Irish Independent columnist Ian O’Doherty who best parodied the backlash with the following comments:

“This column first came across Smyth in  Mexico some years back.

And within five minutes of listening to his asinine, ignorant drivel we were so overcome with anti-Irish hatred that we ended up beating ourselves up.

But the make-up sex was great ”

posted by Cass

[Nerds!, don’t forget to join our facebook group and follow us on twitter!]

What to Watch

// April 23rd, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Saturday

Manchester United v Tottenham, 12:30pm on FSC – a tall man named Mike, surrounded by various Mechanics, once sang “All I Need is a Miracle, All I Need is You.”  Rumor has it that the Liverpool boys choir has been singing this very song outside today’s practice session at White Hart Lane.  Another rumor has it that Luka Modric LOVES [all caps intentional] Mike and the Mechanics.  This strange confluence of events makes me wonder if a draw in in the cards at Old Trafford this weekend.  I’m just saying.

Fiorentina v Roma, 2:30pm on FSC – One of these two teams will make it out of this one to challenge Genoa for the final CL spot.  The other will have to console themselves with the Fairs, er, UEFA, er Europa Cup tournament next year.  By the way, who came up with the name Fairs Cup?  Doesn’t really get the blood flowing, does it? 

Valencia v Barcelona, 4pm on GolTV - Both David Villa and Andres Iniesta made their case midweek for the Who is the Second Best Player in Spain After Leo Messi? Award.  Watch them fight it out on Saturday.  I’m having a tough time figuring it out myself, but I know that it’s between Villa and Torres for best center forward in the world, and I am trying think of who is a better central midfielder than Iniesta. 

Sunday 

Sevilla v Real Madrid, 1pm on GolTV (delay) – It was a 3-4 cracker between these two in the first leg past Fall that sent Bernd Schuster packing.  If this game is half the fun of that one, it’ll be worth watching.  I also wonder if they will stop giving Madrid player the double doses of steroids at halftime that cause them to a) always win games late, in spectacular fashion, and b) go completely bonkers (just in case you missed it the first time.  I mean, really.)

Posted by Lazar

The ‘R’ Word

// April 22nd, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

They say you never forget your first time and I have to agree.  It was a Sunday afternoon in May 1995 and it hurt so so much. I had been expecting it for a while, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with. Relegation.

A non World Cup or European Championships Summer is difficult at the best of times, but when you know that come mid-August, the Premiership party will be taking place without you it makes it all the more depressing. As you scan down the team by team transfer guide, you keep searching until you get to the bottom of the list and remember that the feature is only for premiership clubs. As your initial excitement on hearing the release of the televised fixtures evaporates when you remember that Bolton will be on the box 4 times before they show a Championship game it really hits home what a difficult season it’s going to be. No matter how heartbreaking it is to lose a final, or to be denied glory at the very end, missing out on silverware doesn’t even come close to the agony of Relegation.

It’s either Man City fans experiencing relegation, or having just been told that they signed Craig Bellamy

But, they say what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger and in this case I agree (normally I think it only makes you weaker, especially if it’s some kind of accident or chronic illness). I think American sports are really missing something by not having relegation. For the majority of the season, it’s obvious to most people that only a handful of teams have any kind of realistic chance of earning some silverware. The introduction of relegation means that teams, players and fans are literally fighting for their livelihood. The added excitement / fear of relegation is fairly obvious, but what I enjoy about it even more is the no-holds barred excuse to practice in Schadenfreunde.

Normally, polite society limits outward displays of joy based on other people’s misfortune to a weekly 1 hour segment that coincides with America’s Funniest Home Videos (look! that old woman just fell down the stairs while carrying a birthday cake. ha ha!). With relegation, especially if you’re a first hand survivor you get a no-can-lose unlimited free mocking pass. Take this season’s premiership: While I’m constantly performing mental gymnastics trying to determine who I would be less upset about winning between Man United, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal, when it comes to relegation I can’t lose. Apart from West Brom who I barely noticed were even in the Premiership and definitely won’t notice that they’re no longer present, all I see is reasons to celebrate:

Newcastle United: I would really really love it. They’re an advertisement in how not to run a football club and now Shearer is their manager. Ever since he’s retired, Shearer’s been hovering in the background, loving all the attention he gets while being continually linked to manage the club he loves so much that he won’t manage them. He’s put his ego first as he’s done nothing to avoid the distraction he has been to Newcastle’s previous struggling managers. Apart from the two obvious reasons for him finally taking the job: a giant suitcase of cash and the too-short-to-really-judge-me timeframe the reason the big bore gave himself was that he would be really upset if somebody else took the job, kept Newcastle up and got all the glory. Seriously!

this man will be even more unbearable if Newcastle stay up

Middlesborough: It’s normally not possible to feel so much hatred towards something so boring, but in Middlesborough’s case it somehow is. There was Bryan Robson, there was Steve Maclaren and there were countless times they took precious points off my team knowing that they were too boring to do anything useful with them. If the smoggies go down I’ll finally get some kind of closure on the sense of injustice I’ve always harboured since they somehow avoided deservedly losing to Chesterfield.

Portsmouth: I twice visited Portsmouth and if they get relegated twice we’ll call it even.

Bolton: Everytime I think of Bolton I think of an empty stadium situated in the parking lot of a supermarket, where if fans did bother to turn up they could watch awful players hoofing the ball around the pitch as if they really don’t enjoy playing the game. Begone Bolton with your horrible football and awful memories of Sam Allardyce and Kevin Nolan.

posted by Cass

Chronicle of a Death Foretold

// April 21st, 2009 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized

Bright eyed, bushy tailed, and about to walk the plank.

The Guardian is reporting today that in Ashley Cole’s absence through suspension, Chelsea may give Michael Mancienne the responsibility of marking Leo Messi in next week’s first leg of the Champions League semifinal.  Really?  I mean, really?   Isn’t Guus Hiddink supposed to be a managerial genius?  Doesn’t he realize that it’s probably a much better idea to put an experienced player who may not be a left back or even left footed in that position, rather than throw out the most inexperienced player in your squad against the best player in the world?  Does he not remember that Leo Messi is the same guy who ate an inexperienced left back replacement (Bayern’s Christian Lell) for lunch and dinner in the last round of the CL?

Mancienne’s responsibilities are growing: last week, he was guarding the tee shirts

Barcelona’s left back, Eric Abidal, has been out for the past two months, and Guardiola has replaced him, for the most part, with Carles Puyol, the teams’ right-footed center back.  You would think that Hiddink would put Terry, Alex, Carvalho, Belletti, or even Essien in what is arguably the most important position on the field next week.  But Michael Mancienne?  I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM!  And trust me, this is not going to do great things for his confidence.  We all remember how Leo Messi’s performance at Stamford Bridge three years ago completely destroyed the confidence and career of an already established left back in Asier del Horno, who has yet to recover from the working Leo gave him back then.  It may be that Michael Mancienne has a promising future — this is not the way to make it a reality.

Posted by Lazar

[Nerds!, don’t forget to join our facebook group and follow us on twitter!]

Just a Touch

// April 19th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

Great goal for Leo Messi against Getafe yesterday, in what was a wonderful game.  In case you missed, it, the first touch by Leo was absolutely divine.  Check it out, below.  He takes the cross from Xavi with his right (much weaker) foot, and pops it up with his toe over the sliding defender, allowing him to turn onto his left foot and round the defender.  He then humiliates the next defender (# 21), with a body fake and dribble that shakes and spins the guy, to the point where Messi scores through the defender’s legs while the guy’s back to him.  Ouch.

Also funny about the clip is how Dani Alves clearly kills Messi’s buzz by talking strategy to him during the goal celebration.  Dani clearly has time-and-place issues.

Posted by Lazar

What to Watch

// April 16th, 2009 // 13 Comments » // Uncategorized

Alright, peoples, get up off the floor of whatever bar you watched the CL games in, dust yourself off, have a glass of water, and get ready for more.  It’s the domestic league home stretch, for crying out loud.

Saturday

Aston Villa v West Ham, 10am, FSC – Again, I think this game would be most fun if they forced both sides to wear their traditional uniforms, which are almost identical.  Really, we should make them at least play a friendly to see how fun it would be.  It would be almost as good as binocular soccer, something that if you haven’t seen, will change your life.  As for this game, Villa are clinging while West Ham is surging — could be interesting.

Arsenal v Chelsea, 12:15pm, Setanta, FA Cup Semis – I guess.  Arsenal are firing on all cylinders, and they get to add Arshavin to the squad that tore apart Villareal midweek.  And Chelsea are on a high, too, after what people who like so-so goals and discombobulated play are calling the game of the century.  Ah, eff it, I’ll probably watch, too.

Getafe v Barcelona, 2pm on GolTV – Mark my words: this will be the game of the weekend.  Getafe tied Barsa at the Nou Camp and beat Madrid in Getafe this year, and beat Sevilla in Sevilla just last week.  Somehow, Getafe are only 14th in the league, which seems crazy if you’ve seen them play — they are very good.  Sadly, their coach has not been starting their two best players (Albin and Uche), but they’ll probably get on in the second half.  Barsa doesn’t want to slip up, since Madrid has a gimme against Recreativo — might make them play tight.   And Leo Messi does like scoring against Getafe.

Sunday

Man Utd v Everton, 11am on FSC – Eh.

Valencia v Sevilla, 1pm on GolTV - Okay, now we’re talking.  Valencia are struggling to hold onto fourth, but Sevilla are always tough, even if they don’t have much to play for (they look pretty solid in third).  The Villa, Silva, Mata trident that Valencia have been playing is pretty darn spectacular, and Freddy Kanoute, last week aside, is on absolute fiyah.  Fiyah!

Juventus v Inter, 2:30pm on FSC - Coulda, would, shoulda been a good game, but Juve fricking lost last week, taking them to ten behind Inter.  Every time you tried to get back into Serie A, something like this happens.  Sigh.

Boca Juniors v River Plate, 3pm on Fox Sports Espanol (delay – live on P2P at 2pm) – Duelo de titanes at the Bombonera, as River brings its stars young (Falcao, Bonnanotte, Fabbiani) and old (Gallardo) to face Boca’s lineup of superheroes (Riquelme, Palermo, Battaglia, Palacio).  If you want to see slow, technical play and the greatest crowd support in the world, check it out.

Posted by Lazar

Partying in Nevada

// April 15th, 2009 // 12 Comments » // Uncategorized

So, I scheduled an “off-site meeting” on my calendar at work and popped down to Nevada Smiths to watch Wednesday’s second leg of quarterfinals at one of the ESPN “viewing parties” that I’d heard about.  For those of you who don’t live in New York City, Nevada’s is a bar that has shown pretty much every soccer game of note for who-knows how long.  (I’ve always wondered if the roof of the building that Nevada’s is in looks like a SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) location, with 16 different satellite dishes whirling around making funny noises.  But I digress.)  Nevada’s is kind of a special place for New York soccer fans, which is evident by the fact that despite the fact that you can watch almost every game in your living room these days, the place is still always packed.  There are probably two reasons for this: a) people want to be loyal to the place that was once a rare soccer sanctuary, and b) it’s nice to be in a place that makes you feel that the sport you love is actually popular in the country you live in.  Sadly, b) can also be a bit of a problem, because the place can get (always is) too crowded.  I go for both reasons.  I’ve had some great moments at Nevada’s over the years, which I’ve shared with random soccer fans that I’ve met on the spot.  If you’re rooting for the same team, everyone at Nevada’s is your best friend.

Today, I got to the bar at around 2:35, and was offered a free ESPN beer can cooler (coozy?), which I somehow proceeded to lose within ten seconds.  The ESPN promo lady also told me that I could have a crappy ESPN bag or tee shirt if I give them my email address.  But wait, they are out of tee shirts.  Buh-bye.  Nice fricking party, ESPN.

I worked my way through the sea of red ManU jerseys (the Arsenal/Villareal game was on downstairs), and searched for anyone in blue.  I didn’t have a real dog in the Porto-ManU fight, but Porto does have a Uruguayan (Cristian “El Cebolla” Rodriguez, one of my favorite players) , and were the underdog, so that kind of sealed it.  I find three distinctly Iberian-looking guys in a good position in front of a TV, one of whom has a Porto scarf on over his suit.  I tell him I’m rooting for Porto because of Cristian Rodriguez, and that my dad is Uruguayan.  The guy looks at me, exclaims “El Cebolla!”, and immediately treats me like a lost cousin, introducing me to his friends, and offering to hang my jacket so it doesn’t get messed up amidst the beer-spilling crowd.  New best friends?  Check.

So, you all know how the game turned out.  Bitter irony for my new Portuguese friends, who not only lost, but on a goal from their compatriot Cristiano R., who not only played for rival Sporting, but never performs that well for their national team.  We all kept the faith until the final whistle blew, after which we all shook hands, said “good game,” and headed our separate ways.  I left the bar, and as I walked out onto the street, I had the classic thought that comes to you after watching an afternoon game in the warm and dark cocoon that is Nevada Smith’s: “Jesus, it’s still light out?!”

Posted by Lazar

The Decline of Tommy Smyth – It’s Official!

// April 15th, 2009 // 22 Comments » // Uncategorized

Excellent piece in The Guardian (where else) about how people really feel about Tommy Smyth and what it means to them that ESPN have lost Champions League coverage to FSC. This is obviously an emotional topic, so the vitriol on display is probably not suitable for any of Tommy’s close family. NoMoreOnionBags is quoted no fewer than 8 times in the piece, along with some comments by our readers. We are not alone, now the whole world understands our plight! Read it here.

posted by Cass