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// December 6th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

FIFA, which ranks just behind the United States Congress as the most shamelessly corrupt, money-grubbing, pathetic organization in the entire world that operates under a guise of serving the public good, today announced the three finalists for the World Player of the Year/Golden Ball award.  You might remember that in previous years, these were two awards, one (the Golden Ball) was given out by a French soccer magazine (France Foot), the other (World Player) given out by FIFA.  This was always confusing because for a while, the Golden Ball was only for European players, and the World Player was for everyone.  This sort of made sense, because in years like 1994, the Golden Ball was given to my favorite player of all time (Hristo Stoichkov), and we had to have an award to give to the actualy best player in the world that year (Romario — I know, it’s interesting that they played for the same club team).  But then the Golden Ball expanded its eligibility to players who play in Europe in 1995 or 1997, I think, when George Weah was just THAT MUCH BETTER than anyone else in the world, and it’s seemed ridiculous to give the award to someone else, especially when by the 1990s, all the good players from all over the world  were playing in Europe.

So for the last 13-15 years they were sometimes giving the award to two different players, sometimes to the same player, and it got kind of ridiculous.  And Cristiano Ronaldo and Leo Messi had to hate dressing up fancy for two different red-carpet gala evenins.  (Okay, maybe just Messi.  I still love that he wore his pajamas to this award ceremony.  Just awesome.)  Fortunately, the tortoises at FIFA got around to fixing this (again, 15 years later), and now they are the same award, the finalists for whom were announced today.  And they are: Xavi, Iniesta, and Messi.

Three players not only from Barcelona, but who were brought up through the club’s youth teams.  And, nicely balanced: one is a local Catalan, the other a Spaniard from another region, and the other a foreigner.  The best part of this, though, is how it’s being presented in the Spanish media.  This morning, I first clicked over the Sport, the Barcelona-based sportspaper.  Here was their headline pic:

Iniesta rocking the New Kids on the Block look in the late '90s -- ouch

My next thought was how they were taking this over in Madrid.  Let’s remember that this announcement was coming on the heels of the 5-0 drubbing that RM c.d. F. received at the hands of Barsa one week ago.So I clicked over to the Marca website.  Here’s their pic:

That's right, a ball

That’s right, a ball.  No Barcelona jerseys, no Barcelona players.  YOU KNOW that the editors debated whether they should put each of them in their national team jerseys.  I’m actually kind of impressed that they didn’t do it.  Or a picture of Sepp Blatter?  Oh right, he’s also hated for not giving the 2018 World Cup to Spain.  I love thinking about the editor-in-chief ending a meeting by saying, “Goddamnit, we’re showing a tiny picture of the ball, and that’s it!”

Posted by Lazar

Winter in Holland Will Make You Crazy

// November 26th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

I know, I know, I should be posting something about the fact that my boy Luis Suarez seems to have lsot his mind recently.  He’s playing incredibly, and I can only assume that the fact that he is still playing in the Dutch league is driving him crazy.  Here’s what happened in the big Ajax v. PSV game last weekend.

- First, Suarez almost scored THE GREATEST GOAL OF ALL TIME. No joke.  A nutmeg on the wing in his own half, and then inches from what would have been replayed around the world for eight million times throughout the rest of human history as the greatest shot ever.  Really.  What a shame.

- Okay, he’s a little frustrated at this point.  He’s also probably a tiny bit upset that Ibrahim Affelay, the fairly good PSV midfielder, just got bought by Barcelona, where Suarez dreams of playing.  In case you doubt this contention, please note that Suarez a) owns a home in Barcelona, and b) his agent is Pere Guardiola (yes, Pep’s brother0.  So when Affelay tackled him a bit too high, later in the game, Suarez got a little pissed, especially after Afellay made a huge display of Suarez’s reaction. 

- Then things fell apart.  Ajaz had a player sent off for a very light tug on a PSV player, and Suarez kind of loses it.  It was a masssive dive by Bakkal, and Suarez lets him know it, BY BITING HIM THE NECK. 

It’s clear what is happening.  The early onset of winter in Holland is turning Suarez into a crazed vampire.  It’s time to get him to a big team in Spain or Italy, stat!  Someone please help this poor man.

More importantly, this Monday (ugh, Monday?) is the bi-annual battle of ALL THAT IS GOOD and EVERYTHING EVIL between Leo Messi and Crissy R.  Apparently, there will be 20 other players on the field, too. 

Posted by Lazar

When Gareth Bale Comes Marching In (run and and hide if you’re a defender)

// November 3rd, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

Absolutely ridiculous.  It was the ocho to end all ochos.  Gareth Bale pushed the ball around Christian Chive like he wasn’t even there.  And Chivu knew he was so badly beaten he didn’t even really try to catch up to it.  His manliness had been broken… by Gareth Bale!

I went to a friendly between Tottenham and Sporting Lisbon this summer at the new Red Bull stadium in New Jersey.  It was the first of a doubleheader, with the second game being Man City versus the Energy Drinkers themselves.  During the first match, the few hundred Tottenham fans, who were lcoated right above us, chanted all game, most loudly during their classic drawn-out rendition of “When the Spurs Come Marching In” (it starts reeeeallly slow, then picks up to be super fast and banging at the end).  It was pretty fun hearing it the first few times.  By the second half, I was ready for it to end.  Just my luck then that the Tottenham fans stayed for the second game, and, drunk out of their minds, kept singing that song.  That’s four hours of “Ooooohhhh, wheeeeeeen the Spuuuuuuurrrrrssss….”  I didn’t ever want to hear that song again in my life.

But after Tottenham’s third goal (above), the crowd at White Hart Lane started singing it so loudly that I could feel my living room shaking when the fast part started.  It was awesome.  And why wouldn’t it be?  We were watching an absurd display of talent.  Gareth Bale was destroying the best right back in the world in Maicon, and when Maicon had had enough, he took it to Chivu, who wanted no part of him.  I thought to myself:

Is Gareth Bale the second-best left footed player in the world?

I think he might be.  Obviously the top spot is reserved for little Leo, but I think Gareth is ready to back him up.  Who else is there?  Arjen Robben?  Ugh, he’s hurt again.  Rafael Van Der Vaart?  I know everyone is in love with him, but the amount of tap-ins that he has gotten from Peter Crouch knockdowns is very high.  And I hate guys who run off to celebrate and only later remember that someone else did all the hard work.  Van der Vaart has the horrible affliction known as “Tap-in Amnesia.”  I even saw him point to the name on his jersey after a tap-in.  That’s a red card offense in my book.

Tottenham is now must-see TV, all thanks to a Welshman who seemed like a curse before this season.  And now he’s unstoppable.  Enjoy him while you can, Spurs fans.  I can’t imagine that he’ll be around for long.

Posted by Lazar

Wait, What?

// October 22nd, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

I want more money. Okay, let's pretend to get into a fight.

I woke up today to read that Wayne Rooney has signed a new five-year contract extension at Manchester United.  And with that, I am confused and disappointed. 

Re: confused.  Wait, I thought this was a gigantic clash of wills between the Great Lord Alex Ferguson III versus the young, brash, enigmatic, prostitute-loving Wayne Rooney of humble background?  I thought that for the first time, a player was standing up for the inhumane, euphemstically-called hairdryer treatment of this nasty man who has been lionized as a great motivator of men?  I thought that Wayne Rooney, like Beckham and Crissy before him, had had enough of this old jerk, but wasn’t going to pretend, like the others did, that he “just needed a new challenge”?  Yes, finally!  And I also thought that Dear Old Lord Ferg was standing up to this new breed of soccer player who thinks he can get whatever he wants, whenever he wants, regardless of the success that his manager and team have brought him!  What an epic battle of wills that we had on our hands!  So unexpected!  So incredible!

Re: disappointed: Wait, Rooney just signed a new deal f0r 180,000 pounds a week for five years?  That’s about 15-17 million dollars a year.  Wait, this was just about getting more money?  Awesome.

Or maybe it was because a group of 40 Manchester United fans, wearing balaclavas and hoodies, camped out in front of Rooney’s house on Thursdaywith a huge banner that read, “If You Sign for [Man] City, You’re Dead”.  Sadly, I’m left to hope it was that.  Otherwise, I feel like I’ve been played.  And I don’t like feeling played! 

Posted by Lazar

I Hate International Breaks

// October 12th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

But here’s a sick double-backheel trick from Ronaldinho.

One other thing.  People are giving Bolivian President Evo Morales a hard time for kneeing an opponent in the groin in a friendly match.  But I love it — this dude has an incredible sense of justice, that extends from the halls of government, all the way to the soccer field.  

If you watch the entire clip, the player on the opposing team had just made a horrible challenge on someone on the President’s team.  And furthermore, it appears that Evo had been previously provoked, too: note that right before he knees his opponent, he points to his ankle, as if to say “you got me nasty before.”  That’s at least two bad fouls, and Mr. President had had enough.  And he’s  a real man of the people — not to posh to have someone else do his dirty work.  Si se puede, Senor Presidente.

Posted by Lazar

Jordi Gomez: Master of Diving (in a good way)

// October 8th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

All the chatter these days is about protecting talented players from the likes of the evil Nigel De Jongs, Tomas Ujfalusis, and Karl Henrys.  De Jong made an nauseating tackle on Hatem Ben Arfa (for years a fave of mine) last weekend.   Karl Henry was lucky not to hurt Jordi Gomez in this absurd challenge, and we all thought Leo Messi was going to be out a lot longer than two weeks after this foul by Tomas Ujfalusi. 

Of course, none of these “meant to injure the other player.”  But this is the same De Jong who famously gave Xabi Alonso a chest tatoo of a Nike cleat in the World Cup, and broke American Stuart Holden’s leg in a friendly.  And it’s probably just a coincidence that Ujfalusi did basically the exact same thing to the exact same player (Messi) last year. 

I’m of the belief that it’s ridiculous to make claims that we shouldn’t be too hard on the offenders because “it wasn’t their intent to injure.”  What exactly is De Jong doing?  He might not be thinking about breaking the other guy’s leg, but he’s not going for the ball.  But De Jong will play next week while Ben Arfa will be out for a while, and as anyone whose broken their leg knows, it will take a long time for him to get back to what he was, if it ever happens.

The one thing that I’m upset about not hearing in the discussions surrounding this is diving.  THIS IS WHY PLAYERS DIVE.  The same people that shrug off these tackles as “part of the game” go crazy when players dive.  WHAT DO YOU THINK JORDI GOMEZ IS DOING?!?!  Thank goodness that he had the wherewithal to throw himself in the air and avoid major contact.  If we don’t come down extremely hard on violent tackles there will simply be more and more diving… as there should be.  Players want to help their team.  But if a player has the ball, and someone dives in at his knee, he has three options: a) take the hit and win the foul for his team, but risk serious injury; b) avoid the hit and lose the ball, thus hurting your team; or c) avoid the hit but try to win a foul.  C) is the only option that allows the player to support his team and not get hurt.  But c) is also known as diving, the most-hated aspect of all of the soccer.  Amazingly, it’s more hated than “getting stuck in.”  Sigh.

Jordi Gomez should be celebrated.  He won his team the foul, and didn’t get hurt (which helps both him and his team).  Even more amazingly, his timing on the dive was so good that he lets Henry make enough insignificant contact so that the foul is definitely called.  What a master — he should give diving lessons.

Ugh

As a Barcelona fan, I want Leo Messi to start diving more, and I’d love for him to get a tutorial from Jordi.  As soon as he even smells Tomas Ujfalusi, it’s time to hit the deck.  Because the refs and the league are not going to protect him.  For God’s sake, Ujfalusi was given just one extra game penalty for intentionally doing the above to the ankle of the best player of the world in the final seconds of a game that was over.  And just days later, his team gave him a contract extension!

So all these tough guy pundits have a choice.  It’s a zero-sum game.  If you are against diving, you have to support large penalties for violent challenges.  If not, you’re saying that you want more diving.  You can’t have it both ways.

Sorry for the rant.  Now I’m off to go practice my diving.

Posted by Lazar

Ugh, Awkward

// September 17th, 2010 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized

Here’s the worst thing that I’ve seen in a while.  After his Red Bull teammate Mehdi Ballouchy scored to tie the game against FC Dallas last night, Thierry Henry wanted to do his patented and patently annoying smash-the-ball-into-the-net celebration.  But the FC Dallas goalkeeper, Kevin Hartman, was going for the ball too, so Henry ended up kicking Hartman and the ball at the same time, injuring the goalkeeper’s medial collateral ligament.  Amazingly, Hartman, perhaps the best keeper in the MLS, will be out for a while thanks to Henry’s childishness.

Here it is in all its awkward glory:

Stay classy, Thierry!

Posted by Lazar

Like Passes?

// September 15th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

If you have grown up watching soccer on American television, you’ve suffered from commentary that makes it seem that goals are the complete result of the work of the individual whose final touch put the ball in the net.  We’ve all seen when a great scorer creates something on his own.  But most goals are the result of some time of build-up, even if it’s not 25 touches (I could watch that over and over).

I know that it’s hard to get excited about the first few games of the Champions League, but last night’s Barca-Panathinaikos was a passing festival.  The greatest of them all was this absolutely delectable display of skill by everyone’s favorite waste of talent, Djibril Cisse (wait for the second replay to see his touch):

Amazingly, Cisse definitely meant to do it, as you can tell in the second replay.  Just an absurdly deft touch.  It’s just too bad that the play involved Cisse and Sidney Govou, two notoriously unlikeable guys.

What’s funny was that Barca was not to be undone.  They had had about 99% of the possession until then, and found themselves down 0-1.  So, they decided to not only score five times, but to do their best to outdo Pana in the passing department.  First, it was Xavi, who threaded the through ball of all through balls to Messi (the best part is how he waves to Messi to make a run before the pass).  Later in the half came something that I have never seen: the double give-and-go.  Messi  to Xavi, one touch to Messi, who passes to Pedro, one touch back to Messi, who shoots and scores.  It all happened so fast that I didn’t catch it in real time; I figured that the ball had bounced off a defender or two.  Amazingly, though, no defender touches the ball at any time. Essentially, the defenders play the roles of cones in a drill.

I know that I talk about him too much, but little Messi saved the best for last.  Yeah, he can score, but the pass he gave Alves for the final goal was magically delicious. Observe and enjoy:

We’re not worthy.  Not only is Messi generally wonderful, but he makes us forget all about Djibril Cisse, on whom we should never waste our brain cells.  Once again, thank you, Leo.

Posted by Lazar

Why Are You Still Here?

// September 10th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

Y’all will likely still remember Luis Suarez as the noble gentleman who sacrificed an appearance in a World Cup to prevent a goal that was offside and shouldn’t have counted anyway.  But he should be remembered as one of the few natural goalscorers in world soccer.  Last year, he was the Golden Boot, scoring 427 goals for Ajax (or something like that).  He also had some absolutely lovely finishes in the World Cup, showing a diverse set of skills to score four times, including perfect use of his head (down, just like coach taught you) and how to curl a goal as nicely as anyone married to Posh Spice.

I was sure that he would have left Ajax for a bigger club in the six weeks after the Cup, but no.  Huh?  His former strike partner, the underwhelming Klaas-Jan Huntelaar keeps getting passed around like a bad case of  pinkeye (Ajax to Real Madrid to Milan to Schalke), but Luisito is still stuck in Amsterdam?

Regardless, he’s up to his old tricks.  He scored a lovely hat-trick in the first week of the Dutch season (header, free kick, and cheeky goal after nice dribbling).  And in case you missed it, I’ve posted the real beauty of his season thus far (which consists of three games: one in the Eredivisie and two in the CL), a left-footed finish in the Champions League qualifier against Dynamo Kiev, at the top.  Class in a glass.

I have to wonder, is he paying a PR price for the handball?  Did teams not want to sign him for fear or a backlash?  If so, they’re idiots.  But Suarez is still pretty young (23), and hopefully he and his team are just waiting for the right move.  Ideally, he’d go to a mid to large-sized team that plays in major competitions, but where he wouldn’t warm the bench.  Doesn’t Juventus need strikers?  Sigh.

Posted by Lazar

Four More Years

// September 8th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

Most Uruguayans hate Argentina.  It’s an inferiority complex about the bigger, similar neighbor, not that unlike the way Canadians feel about Americans, New Zealanders about Australia, and the way Solomon Islanders must feel about those darned Papua New Guineans (well, maybe).  I, however, don’t share the feeling.  Since I am based here in the USA, it’s easier for me to see the  many similarities with my Argentine cousins than our few differences.

But this Messi business is making me re-think my stance.  The Argentina Football Association (AFA) is absolutely ruining my beloved Messi’s legacy.  First, the appoint a coach for the 2006 World Cup who refuses to play Messi in any key games, and most importanly did not bring him on against Germany when Argentina went out in the quarters.   Then-coach Pekerman instead brought on Julio Cruz (really?) as his final sub, and watched as a toothless Argentina could not score and gotten beaten on penalties.

Four years later, 2010 Argentina plays Messi behind two forwards and next to two wingers, and with only one midfielder to support him, Messi ends up having to do more work than magic.  So, to recap, that’s two World Cups in which the greatest player in the world has been completely wasted.  Sigh.  Double sigh.

Now we get four more years between World Cups of watching Messi triumph before the AFA inevitably screws things up for the next Cup.  If you missed yesterday’s goal against Spain, watch it again at the top of this post.  And here’s his goal for Barcelona from last week, in the third minute of the new season — a chip, with his right foot.

When you have a star player, you need to build your team around him.  That’s what Uruguay did with Diego Forlan, to lovely effect.  When you have a superstar like Leo Messi, you really need to do that, not just for your team, but because the rest ofr us have spent four years waiting to see this player and this biggest stage, and now you’re just effing ruining it for us.  So Argentina, I’m giving you four more years of support as my second South American team, but if you mess up again, I’m through with you.  Be nice to Messi! 

Posted by Lazar